In this modern day and age, should women be completely surprised by their new ring or should they provide input and guidance to their guys? Will a few subtle hints work? Can your future husband be trusted with such an important task by himself? Does shopping for a ring together completely remove the element of surprise? How much of a surprise should there be for a marriage proposal? Different brides have different answers. So do wedding experts.

Talking it through

There are countless ways future grooms have approached discussions of not only marriage, but also wedding and engagement rings. For starters, men should pay close attention to the subtle clues women provide. Women undoubtedly will send signals about the types of rings they want. In approximately 50 percent of all couples, the man surprises the woman with the engagement ring, jewelry expert Michael O’Connor said.

“[The engagement ring] is probably one of the few pieces of the wedding planning process that he will have total control over,” he said. “The creativity and surprise will be greatly appreciated if he has been listening to her.”

Traditionally, talks of marriage occur months before the formal engagement. The input offered is in several direct and indirect ways and on a constant basis. It’s up to the men to listen.

Should women allow their boyfriends to select their engagement rings? It depends on a number of factors largely based on open communication. “Understand that he will have to set a budget that is comfortable for him,” O’Connor said. “Don’t get your heart set on a Paris Hilton-size ring if he’s not a shipping heir.”

O’Connor encourages future brides to be open and honest about the styles and designs of engagement rings belonging to family members and friends. They should be as detailed as necessary when illustrating the rings they want to wear for a lifetime. Think of the smallest details to the largest options: several stones or just one; white gold, yellow gold or platinum; flat against the hand or high above the finger; colored stones or white diamonds.

Women should not only explain what styles they like, but also the explanations behind those styles. For example, explain why you prefer filigree work on the side of the ring as opposed to a surface of smooth metal.

We’ve all been presented with gifts we’d rather return or exchange: a tacky vase, an ill-fitting sweater, a fruitcake during the holidays. Thankfully, some social rules allow those undesired items to be swapped for something different. But when such a gift is an engagement ring, what’s a girl to do? The future bride has a handful of acceptable options.

She may decide that it’s more important to be engaged and won’t want to offend him, so she will accept the ring and wear it—but she may tell her friends or family that the ring wasn’t her first choice, O’Connor said. Some women will decide the ring needs to be changed and will find a nice way of explaining to her fiancé.

Jewelers’ policies regarding returns and exchanges vary by retailer and store. If the man plans on surprising his future bride with the engagement ring, he should make it known to the jeweler so the issue can be handled should she not care for the style.