Yesterday, a blogger over at Lemondrop had quite the bone to pick with over-the-top proposals. You know, those proposals where guys pop the question while parasailing off the back of a cruise ship and then landing into a tank full of roses? The writer argues that these outrageous proposals are making us average folks look bad. What’s wrong with having a quiet proposal over a candlelit dinner? Because it’s boring, that’s why! If you want to one-up your friends and please your Twitter followers, you have to be unique, different. Below are five tips on how to out-do your friends’ proposals.

1. More, more, more!
Everything should be bigger and better. Have an idea? Think of something that’s the same except 5x more awesome. It should be grand, epic, cathartic. Ten years from now people should be sitting in coffee shops talking about where they were when Jim Bob proposed to Jill Bob. A true, defining moment in history.

2. Someone’s life should be in danger
If you’re not gonna risk your life for your loved one, who are you going to risk your life for? You only get one proposal (well, sometimes two…or three), and you need to go all out. Skydiving, tightrope walking, setting yourself on fire — these daring tasks are sure to impress your fiancee-to-be and guarantee she’ll say yes. After all, you did just risk your life. She’ll feel too guilty to say no.

3. Make it a show
A proposal should be entertaining to watch by spectators. Think of this proposal at Disneyland. Your proposal should incorporate singers, dancers, fire eaters, bearded ladies — anything to make the proposal a true spectacle.

4. Be weird
What’s weird today is normal tomorrow, so “weird” out for weirdness sake. Zombies, puppets, clowns and obese opera singers are all unique things you can use to make a proposal truly questionable and strange. Remember, the stranger a proposal is the quirkier it is, too. And “quirky” is hipster for “cute”!

5. Think of your competition
The only reason you can’t propose to your girlfriend at a restaurant is because the guy next to you is doing it and so is the guy next to him. You need to be one step ahead of the competition and do everything they’re not doing. So instead of having the proposal over a candlelit dinner at a restaurant, have a proposal over a candlelit dinner on the roof of the restaurant. I bet your friends are going to wish they thought of that.