How to Tell if He’s Addicted to You or Addicted to Addiction

 

You may not want to face it – and he might not either – but your man may be addicted to more than just you. While it may not be easy to come to terms and accept that your guy may have a problem that’s bigger than dirty dishes or forgetting your mom’s birthday, it can quickly grow from a sticky issue to a potentially dangerous situation. Here’s how to tell if you can live with a boyfriend struggling with addiction or if you should jump ship before you go way overboard:

First – Address & Define the Addiction

If your guy is a smoker on the side (mainly when he’s had one too many scotches out with the guys) or if he has trouble saving money (but still makes rent every month) – you might not feel the need to running for the hills. However, if you sense alcohol, drug, gambling or – yikes, sex! – addiction brewing in his behavior, the first step to figuring out if you can test the time of recovery, is talking to him about it. His initial reaction may not be great, but if he’s willing to discuss the issue with you, it can be a good sign to a healthy path.

You Can’t Grow Together if He’s Still Using His Vice

Once you do establish there is a problem, it’s going to take time, therapy and patience for him to get through the process. Many programs are meant to be completed over the course of a year for drug, sex and alcohol addiction, and during this period, most patients are encouraged to remain abstinent for the duration. Counselors also often push for those battling addiction to battle alone – with supportive family and friends, but not necessarily a girlfriend. Having someone to lean on is important, but it’s more important that your man learns how to cope with the roots of his addiction without falling back to you at every downfall. While he’s figuring out his most painful issues, it will be very hard to keep your relationship growing healthy. It’s up to you to decide if you want to stick around to see if he’s worth the wait. 

You Can’t Be His Everything

Sure, you may see a future with him. Sure, he may be wonderful to you – when he’s not drinking, smoking, cheating, gambling or whatever else he might be addicted to. It’s easy for a woman to fall into the caregiver mode – and even easier to take on the responsibility of everything in the relationship. But you must remind yourself that the best of couplehoods involve two independent, strong and dedicated individuals who build a life together. While you should be there for him – he should also be able to be there for you when you need him, and if he’s battling addiction, he mentally can’t be.

Set a Limit

Before deciding to stay or leave the relationship, take a few days or a week to really think, consider and imagine what is too much or too little for you. Set these boundaries firmly: “If he doesn’t work toward a better lifestyle that’s free of his vices, I will leave in six months” or “I will tell him I want him to enter a recovery program and if he refuses, I will leave.” He might be a wonderful man but unless he can be that person you love with or without the drink or the drag, he’s just not the man for you. 

By Aurora Brown

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