Why Won’t He Ask Me to Marry Him Right NOW?!


We get this type of question a lot from ladies in waiting. Here is one from Ashley who has been waiting 3 years so far… See what Andy, our expert, has to say.

“I have been with my boyfriend for just about 3 years and still no proposal! Although he is only 23 and I am 20 I feel as though we are ready. I ask him about it sometimes and he has comments like: “we are already practically married” or “why do we have to do it right now”?

proposal image

We have already been living together for two years in a home that he bought for us. We wanted to wait until I finished college to get married but I will have my degree this December and still no proposal, even though I don’t want to get married right away after being engaged. I would wait around a year.

He just says “why do we have to do it now?” I already have one child from a previous relationship and we are one family and I would love one day to give him a child but he says not outside of marriage. But when exactly will that be? I feel like I am going insane.

My parent bug me constantly and have comments like why should he have to buy the cow when he gets the milk for free. And I understand that but he says he wants it but when will it be. He told me recently that I can go ahead and plan a wedding for us now but I just don’t feel right talking about wedding details when he hasn’t even asked me.

A:  That’s a whole lot of questions…but really you’re asking just one:  “Why won’t he ask me to marry him right NOW?!”

You’re anxious and it’s understandable because 3 years can seem like a long time.  You’re committed to this man, and you’re ready to take the next step on your way to living the American Dream, which for you includes a husband.  The only thing missing is a ring to get things moving along in that direction.

First off let me reiterate what I’ve said in other posts:  there is very little you can do to “get” him to propose.  I gave a not-quite-perfect, but somewhat useful answer in a previous post called, “How do I get my boyfriend to propose?”  It may answer some of your questions as well.

Clearly you would like to get engaged, but for some reason he isn’t working on the same time line as you are.  Be patient and love him anyway, because if this is “meant to be,”  he’ll come around and you’ll be walking down that aisle in no time. (Who  knows?  You may have a stronger marriage because of it.  Discuss that with your parents.)

What do I do until then?

Until that magical day comes there is something very simple, but very effective you can do to relieve some of your anxiousness:  Realize the good things in your life, more than the not-so-good things. (Yeah I know…it sounds like a bunch of new age mumbo jumbo…but it works.)

To greater or lessor extent, we all suffer from too much “future-think,” and not enough “what’s good about right now?” Having dreams and goals is great, maybe even necessary, but don’t forget to enjoy where you are as you move toward them.

You have a child, a home, a pending graduation, your parents, most likely your health, and a man to love who appears to love you in return.  I’m sure there is more if you sit and think about it so it wouldn’t hurt to make a list that you can refer to every now and again. (Especially when you are feeling extra anxious about the lack of a proposal.)

Happiness is having a dream you cannot let go of and a partner who would never ask you to. ~Robert Brault

So often we miss the good things sitting at our feet because our minds are stuck on a future that seems better than where we are now.  It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend is asking you let go of your dream of getting married to him one day.  That should make you a bit happier for now. (And now is all we really have anyway.  That’s the subject of different blog post though…)

Koehn Jewlers '12 WInter-181-smallAndy

Andy Koehn is the owner of Koehn & Koehn Jewelers, author of the Buy Like a Guy blog, and as he puts it, “The only woman/mom without a vagina.”

Photo via Flickr

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Comments (4)


  1. Liberty Wright says:

    I agree with Andy 100%. Enjoy what you have this day… for no one is promised tomorrow. Life is too short to be anything but happy!!!

  2. Andy Koehn says:

    What a cool name you have, Liberty! I’m glad you agree. I try to live that way as best I can. Easier said than done sometimes…but it’s best to have that idea in our heads.

    Thanks for the support!

  3. albertKjohn says:

    The man msy feel all the liberty with him to remain at this present comfortable position, with no commitment and no responsibility to do so. Reasons why your spouse do not take the initiative could be rather complex and hard to explain. Little one can do except for one to give more leeway to the other party so there could, perhaps, be an about-turn to surprise you. Live life as it is with your normal self, and if it be necessary, go for a short distance break, without being together a while. When back together, perhaps,you can see changes, man could be more fond of you and any hints of getting him to propose to you is likely to knock him over to your side.However, there is no sure-fix ways to this,because to every situations is different and varies from individual to individual.

  4. Nicole says:

    I can so relate. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 yrs now. We also live together but refer to one anther as my fiancée or even hubby or wife. I know it’s gonna happen before February since his brother and sister inlaw are pregnent. He wants to do this before the baby is born. I am also very excited for this to happen but the one thing Marco told me is if I keep pushing this he won’t propose until after the birth and god only knows when that’s gonna happen. Just enjoy what time you have with him and your child. It will happen on his terms not your so try not to be so pushy. You might scare him off. Just saying

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