One of the oldest rules of Proposal Etiquette 101 is for the groom to ask the bride-to-be’s father for permission to get married. The old rule goes all the way to a time when marriage was up to the bride’s family, not so much the bride herself. So in relation to how traditions were like back then, it was only fair and proper etiquette for the groom to ask the bride’s family for permission to get married before he proposed to the bride.
Obviously things are much different in the 21st century where couples proudly run away together and elope without bothering to contact their families. So should we still expect grooms to ask the bride’s father for permission to get married? Men who pride themselves on manners, etiquette and old-school charm will undoubtedly ask permission simply because it’s the gentleman thing to do. But some women might be slightly offended by the act. After all, she can think for herself. And even if her father said no, that’s hardly going to stop anyone.
So what’s the point? Should you still ask anyway? Here are some tips on how to decide if it’s appropriate to ask her father for permission or not:
If your girl is someone who puts a lot of value on family and tradition, then asking her father is an absolute must. She’ll love the gesture and will be flattered by your manners.
If she’s a woman who values family but doesn’t hold on tight to traditions, then make sure her family is aware of the proposal. A good way to include her family in the proposal is to have a few of her family members help with picking out an engagement ring or help setting up the proposal. This way her family is still in on the proposal without you having to ask them for permission.
If she’s incredibly liberal in values or isn’t that close to her family, then it’s probably not a good idea to feature her family so heavily in the proposal. In fact, she might even feel insulted if her whole family was aware of the proposal before she found out herself. Instead, wait until you have popped the question before announcing the news to friends and family.
I could care less if my boyfriend asked my parents for permission to get married or not. Sure it’s “gentleman-ly” but if my parents said no it’s not like that’s going to stop us. I think this tradition is too old school for 2010. I would feel much better if people would just abandon it.
My boyfriend asked my parents for their permission to marry me and I was present when it happened. We four discussed our stance on marriage and our commitment to each other, but, I´m not sure that he will actually propose. I would love to have that moment, but I don´t know how to go about hinting it. Should I just ask if that means we´re engaged, or wait to see what his assumptions are?
I think it would be sweet if he asked my Dad first. Not that it’s a requirement but sweet & romantic at the same time. It shows that my family is important too. Of course there is no way my Dad or Mom would say no cause they already love him like he’s already family. I don’t care if the whole world knows before I do, as long as no one spoils the surprise for me.
Please I need help, am goin to see my brides parent with my family and I need to present a marriage proposal in writing to her father.
Can someone kindly help me with a write up.
Thanks
Check out our sister site. it offers a lot of tips on how to propose
I would be honored if my boyfriend asked my Father for permission. The only thing is I feel like he should ask my mother instead. My mom and dad got divorced before i was born but not until recently have i had a relationship with my father. i still want him to be a part of the process though.
Alright I have a situation about this whole marriage purposal thing. Almost a month ago me and my girlfriend were eating lunch and getting married got brought up. Long story short she said lets go get married right now n I agreed. We did it but I didn’t ask her parents first. We are planning a cerimony to come soon and I have to ask her dad for his blessing. How do I ask her dad if I can marry her when we are already married? Her parents like me so them saying no isn’t a big worry for me but knowing its possible is a little nerve wrecking. What should I do or say?
Hi Jeremy,
It is too late to ask for a formal blessing. I think you should both talk to her parents together. You are a married couple now so this should be a couple announcement. Good luck and congratulations!
Considering I’m not really close to my father at all but I am close to my mother I would hope my boyfriend asks my mother for my hand in marriage.
CindyWuu- should the father allow the daughter to pay for her own wedding even if he is opposed to it or is that too old school as well? I’d love your insight.
I have 2 older sons, should my boyfriend ask them or my father for my hand in marriage
I have already proposed to my girl i even took the time to ask her father for his permisson before getting married he said that is fine as long as i do not hurt his little girl. I told him simply put I will not.
I have a question my mom and dad both don’t like the girl i plan to marry. I am legally Blind and She is Totaly Blind. They want me to marry a girl with full vision Should i Not Invite them to the wedding yes or no?
ellen do you care about fammily if so i wold tell your boyfriend to ask your father but after he proposes to you
Hi Jason,
That is just sad. Just focus on the positive and it’s your life so you make the decisions. The only way you can invite them is if they embrace your bride and promise to support you. Love e101
Since my father is cheating on my mother, I did not see the point in my husband asking my father’s permission to marry me. I felt that it is a decision I must make for myself.
My daughter made one request “make sure you ask my mother before you do anything” and he ignored,her request. He called for a ring size but, even after I said I was disappointed he didn’t ask for my blessing ..he still didn’t. What hurt the most my daughter and finance did not have the respect to tell me in person. I am so hurt. My son’s best friend showed me more respect than that.
I have a question My partner and I have been together 9 years in Septmeber and we have 2 boys together. My parents and my partner are not speaking bceuse they have old values and my partner was struggling with his job and has never made a committment to me, finances are a huge reason to why. We are so ready to engaged and married in a good few years (studying at uni)
Question: Does my partner still ask for my Father’s hand in marriage even though they are not speaking. I am still speaking to them and my kids still see them but my Mum Dad and partner have not spoken or seen each other for 8 months. What do I do? It means a lot to me and i know it will mean a lot to my Father regardless of the circumstances if my partner asks permission but what if he says no? Im really confused and don’t know what to do Can anyone help? xxx
Hi Niki,
He should ask your father since it means a lot to you. It will also show your parents that your partner respects traditions and them by extension.
Best,
E101
The saying goes “you don’t just marry your significant other, you marry their family too.”
I think that by asking the family’s permission for your girlfriend’s hand in marriage, it shows that he values her family/father’s input and shows that he wants to be a part of that family. It’s really cute, and very respectful.
Hey all, I have planned to propose in November during an eclipse. As you can imagine I can’t be choosey about the time and place, its gotta be November! I’m hoping she will say yes, the issue is that my brother recently moved his wedding from the summer to the end of december. The question is: will it be rude to get engaged only 2 months before he gets married???
I am going to ask my girlfriend to marry me very soon, we have been seeing eachother for over 2 years and we are both madly in love with eachother and we both agree that we want to marry eachother. I want to ask for her fathers blessing but I don’t know how to go about it. And what am I to do if he says no?
Hello,
So first you need to build a little pitch to convince the father. Love is important but he needs to feel that you have a somewhat precise vision of what your future with his daughter. Practically but also emotionally and in connection to build your own family. He also needs to feel you have it together.
If he says no, listen and don’t get upset. Is it because he doesn’t think you are a good fit with his daughter? Or is it because it is too soon? If it’s the first reason, there is not much you can do. You will have to tell his daughter what happened though eventually and just process with your proposal. If it is the second, maybe give it a thought. Maybe you should wait a little or maybe consider a long engagement.
Hope that helps
I would hope my future man would ask my mother not my father for my hand in marriage because I’m closer to my mother than my father.
I am a single mother. I raised my daughter on my own with no help from her father but he is now back in her life now that she is an adult. I get the feeling that my daughter’s boyfriend is going to propose soon. Is it wrong for me to expect him to ask me for my daughter’s hand in marriage or for my blessing on their marriage?
Hi Monica,
Divorces, Single motherhood and hurtful moments in once life. However you have to be selfless when it comes to your daughter’s happiness. She of course will never forget that you raised her but she probably also suffered not having a father around. Her relationship with her father is something that only concerns her. As her mother, I am pretty sure she has shared with you her love for this man and looked for your approval. That’s all that counts. Whether he decides to ask formally the father or you bother or just you is really not that big of a deal. Instead of expecting anything, you could also just talk to him one on one, see what his intentions are and communicate that you give your blessing.
My youngest daughter has been engaged for 9 years. She is upset that her fiancee won’t set a wedding date. I want to politely interfere and ask him what his intentions are. I raised my three children as a single parent and have always been there for them. But now that they are all adults I have been holding back so they can deal with life’s issues their way. Do I meddle?
Hi Jerri!
It’s not a good idea to meddle. However your daughter has every right to set the date so she should just do it and find a way to prepare her wedding. If he doesn’t go along , then you can all have a talk with him and his parents.
Best,
E101
Hi, I have a huge problem. I proposed to my beautiful girlfriend3 days ago. I ordered the ring a month earlier and it jus so happened on the da I did so her father came to out house to watch football whilst my girlfriend was out with her mother. I therefore took the opportunity to ask his blessing and he happily gave it. I didn’t tell another soul and specifically asked him to not tell her mother because she can’t keep a secret and at the time I didn’t know when exactly I was going to pop the question.
Now that I have her mother hasn’t spoken to any of us since because she feels insulted that she wasn’t involved and has completely ruined this happy time for my fiancée and I. She’s coming round tonight to talk it through but there is so much anger that I’m expecting it to go well!
I’d be grateful for your thought people……….
Hi, Tony.
I feel for your fiance’s mom. My daughter’s boyfriend recently asked my husband for her hand in marriage. I feel very insulted that in this day and age I wasn’t included. My feelings led me to research the tradition and to this website. Here are some things to consider:
The negative for me: As a devoted stay-at-home mother, I have been there for so many of my daughter’s special moments. It is very hurtful to not be included in this special time of my daughter’s life. I have always looked at the raising of our children as a 50-50 job. I was at home, but it is my husband’s hard work and devotion that made it possible. I feel slighted by my daughter’s boyfriend. The tradition of asking only the father seems so archaic and is demeaning to me.
The positive for my husband: Exactly because my husband has missed out on so many opportunities to be with our children for special events, being singled out for this one is REALLY SPECIAL for him. He’s also very old-fashioned and his two children often give him a hard time for his old ways. The fact that his potential future son-in-law paid him this particular respect is very validating and comforting to him. My husband is not gloating at all, but I know my husband; he is absolutely beaming inside. While I am hurt, he is very deserving of his happiness! My daughter’s boyfriend has secured a life-long friendship with my husband.
This hurt for your fiance’s mother may never heal. Mine won’t. However, I was hurt by my mom twice on two very special occasions when she turned the focus of my special time on herself. When all my classmates were hugging their parents with joy at our high school graduation, I was crying because my mom was upset with how long the ceremony had taken. My father-in-law also did it once on the day of our son’s baptism. Because I have been hurt, I will try very, very hard to NEVER say anything to my daughter or her boyfriend, maybe husband, for a long, long time. Because my mom hurt me, I am repeating the mantra: “This is not about me. This is about a happy time in my daughter’s life. I won’t spoil this for her or for her boyfriend.” If your future mother-in-law never experienced being hurt in this way, it may be impossible for her to recognize the implications of her actions.
The important thing to consider above all is your fiance’s feelings. Is she upset? If so, why? Always strive to be a peace-maker, even if or when your fiance’s feelings are hurt by her own family. Try and never say anything ill against her family, even when she does. As the in-law, you are always the outsider. Comments about one’s family always sound harsher from an outsider.
Hope all this helps in your new life ahead!
Good luck.
I just purchased the ring!! I love in Ohio, and she lives in Michigan, along with her family. I make it up there every few weeks, BUT she is going to be down here this weekend. Her dad is an enormous, huge, monstrous prick, and is really pretty mean to her, but he’s still her dad. She has two older sisters, both married. The oldest’s husband did not ask her dad, and he complains about it in private. The other sisters husband did ask, and he told him that he didn’t need to ask and of course he had his blessing. I don’t know if I should call him (I’d prefer to do it in person, but I’m impatient and want to ask ASAP) or if I should wait until I can ask him in person. Help!!!
Okay, so I have an issue, and a large one at that. My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 years now, however we were friends for 2 before. As friends, her mother didn’t like me. In fact, she actually blocked me from calling her daughter’s mobile phone- even though she was 19 and in college at the time. Needless to say, her mother hates my guts for an unknown reason, and she always. Her father on the other hand has always been mild with me. While with him for dinner at their home, he was kind to me, entertaining conversation with me. To my knowledge, he has yet to say anything bad about me. He tells his daughter, “You are grown now and you’re out on your own. I know that you will make your own decisions, however be careful,” which I believe every father should say. However, in the time that we’ve been together, I don’t think that she has actually confirmed us being in a relationship, even though they have been speculating. She has neither confirmed or denied being with me. She and I are living together now, and we feel that we are ready for marriage. Being that her mother hates me, and her father probably does, too, and they don’t know that we are together, how should I go about this engagement?
I am engaged and basically all my friends and family know but I haven’t told my dad yet but I think he already knows.we don’t have a very close relationship but we gotten a little closer when my mom passed away.what would be the best way to tell him?can someone help me?
You and your fiance should have coffee or lunch with him and announce it together. If he is too far, you should call together, as soon as possible so he does not hear it from someone else.
E101
You should do the right thing which is to ask her father for her hand in marriage. Expecting the worse and hoping for the best. It’s a tradition but it’s showing respect for her and her family. You will have done what needs to be done. You can also answer any worries and whatever happens you will have done the right thing.
E101
I’ve been proposed to for over four months now, but my parents are not yet aware.Please, what is the right way of letting my parents know about our relationship before our marriage introduction proper? Advice needed.
Hi,
I have a tricky situation and would like your views please….my girlfriend is Chinese but has lived in the US for most of her life. Her parents do too but don’t speak ANY english. I don’t think it is in the Chinese tradition to ask permission before I propose but I’m not sure…does anybody know? The language barrier adds another complexity to this so even if I do ask, I’d need a friend or family member to translate!
Any thoughts?
Thanks!
Mark
Hi,
The best way would be to invite your parents for lunch or dinner with your fiancé and tell them together.
Best,
E101
I am going to ask my gf’s father for his blessing rather than his permission. I am sure I will get it but if they said no it would not stop me from asking her.
In search of advice how to handle this situation.
My husband and I have raised his daughter from the age of 2. Her biological mother was never in the picture until she turned 18 (she is 24 now). Her boyfriend (of 3 months) sent a text message a few months back and asked what we thought about them getting married. We told them our opinion was that it was too soon. (this is her 1st relationship). He (boyfriend) sent me another message about a month ago, and asked again. I told him I wasn’t saying no, I just felt that they didn’t know each other well enough. That they should come and talk to us about it (our daughter hasn’t given any inclination that she wants to get married, and when I ask her about their relationship, to lead into their “future” she only tells me about their fights & arguments).
Well, this past weekend they were with her biological mother visiting one of her brothers for graduation. We see a post on Facebook, stating that they are engaged, and have been for over a month!
Yes, we see them both quite often, and yes, we have seen them several times since their “engagement”…… they never once said anything to either of us. I’m not so much worried about my feelings as my husband’s. He’s been there from day 1 with her, and she has always been a “Daddy’s girl”. She hasn’t called him or anything since she has been back. He feels she doesn’t want him in her life. How do we handle this?
The tradition of asking the father’s permission stems from negotiating dowry during the days when marriage was every bit as much a financial transaction as it was a social one (if not more so, in many cases!). Young women were–literally and in the eyes of the law–the property of their fathers until such time as they became the property of their husbands. That is a fact that cannot be ignored, even though times have changed. While I know people today do not ask the father’s permission in the same way, that history grates on me and I don’t want any part of it.
My family means the world to me and I love my parents dearly, but to me, the idea of my boyfriend asking anyone’s *permission* but my own is distasteful and archaic. For one thing, I don’t like that it removes the mother from the equation. My mom and dad raised and nurtured me as equal partners, and they both love me and care about my future. Leaving Mom out of the equation seems very wrong indeed! And what about his parents?
Taking things a step further: I am fortunate that my parents love my boyfriend and have already accepted him as one of the family, but that’s not the case for everyone–and, contrary to all the songs and movies and popular opinion, it’s not always because the guy is a deadbeat and the nit-witted daughter has been too blinded by love to see it. It could be, for example, that the parents object because he is a different race or a different social class. Perhaps they always wanted their daughter to marry the son of some close family friends, but she went away to college and met someone. There are a million reasons. While you would hope that 1) the parents would honor her wishes and be openhearted toward her choice of a partner, and 2) that their saying no would not actually prevent this young woman from marrying the man she loves, why even open the door for the awkwardness of having the answer be “No!”?
All that said: we want to honor the respectful side of this tradition. Our plan is simply to ask BOTH sets of our parents, mine and his, for their support of our decision to marry. We like this solution because everyone is included, respectful tradition is upheld, but no women are being marginalized (intentionally or otherwise). In essence, we would love their blessing, but we as consenting and mature adults have already made our decision regardless.
Where do I begin….my daughter and her BF have only known one another a few months before they started talking and planning their marriage to be done in under a year of knowing one another….no blessing or permission was asked on his part, which for someone that is suppose to be raised so family oriented I find this very rude. I have many issues and red flags about this union but nothing my daughter is willing to discuss with me.
Like age, length of dating, how little they know one another and she hasn’t finished college yet. I was really trying to overcome this and just wanted her to be happy…until 2 things happened, I saw how much he completely controls her and how she completely allows it, and once again all the excuses for him. And because their union will be of mixed faith I was promised one type of wedding and later another type for his family in their religion, that I would not be allowed to attend. My daughter deceived me by avoiding the topic of who would be performing this ceremony. Turns out, as I had suspected and asked from the beginning that this not happen, it would be done by someone of his church and his religion. I fill that I have been disrespected by this deception, and betrayed. Not to mention her lying when I confronted her about this. Just totally disregarded the betrayal on her part, never apologized, nor never offered to seek out someone else to perform the ceremony.
So now I refuse to be apart of or attend this wedding. in doing so, it would mean I give my blessing of this union and condone the complete lack of respect for me in how she handled this and treated me. And now, after once being close, we no longer talk. And I no longer know who she is, that is how much this relationship has changed her in such a short period of time. And I feel that the huge rush for this marriage, is because he set a goal to be married by a certain time… And found someone that was so susceptible to fall for all his justifications and reasons due to the roller coaster ride she had been on the past 2+ years in overcoming an abusive relationship and then her father, my husband, walking out on us, his family, 2 days before her graduating. After it was discovered that he was in a relationship with someone else for the past year. This all effected her that she was diagnosed with PTSD…..she needs to work on her getting better and being a better and stronger person instead falling for the next person that comes along to take advantage of her and completely manipulates her, this is why I can not give my blessing even if it means losing her, I have my own battles to fight…. I can’t continue to fight her too. If me not being a part of her life is what makes her happy, then so be it…..I can’t continue to have her break my heart and be disrespected. All I have ever done, I did for my children. I wasn’t the perfect mother and wished I had made better choices….but that’s what I have to live with.
My boyfriend of 2 years keeps asking me to marry him out of the blue like its just nothing. We have now lived togther a year with my young children that he sees as his own. I told him that I want him to ask my father for my hand/blessing as my exhusband did. He is not “into” doing so, he said. What should I do? My family is a very tight knit family and I do not want any hurt feelings.
Another note;
I want to marry him but it just seems that his no taking this serious at all about asking my father. My family loves him like he is part of it already so I do not understand what the hault is on asking my dad.
In 2015 men don’t have to ask the father of the bride for permission; but it is modern and proper for the groon to inforM the father of the bride of his attentions towards the father’s daughter.
At this time the father would tell the groom: 1. Don’t ever put your hands on my daughter, 2. Don’t ever cheat on my daughter, 3. Don’t ever be a deadbeat husband or fatheR always work and contribute to your household; the way I did when my daughter was growing up.
My father had this talk with every fiance that married one of his daughters: (Beverly Ann, Cheryl, Doni) And the two sisters recently engaged; (Angela and Dessica). I don’t think it is a bad ideal
A groom to be should ask for permission to marry my daughter because it shows respect towards me and our family. If he doesn’t have that kind of respect to be a part of our family, how much respect would he give to my daughter. If you don’t care about respect for our family and the two of you decide to get married on your own, I guess that shows the values you put on family and your parents.
my question is what if the person has already been married 2 times and has grown children should I still be asking or telling her father about my proposal ?
It really depends on your relationship and the family dynamics. If you feel closer to the children, you can also ask them.
Hey everyone so my fiancé and I have been together for 6 years and engaged for 2 and he didn’t ask my father for permission and my father doesn’t even know we’re engaged while my mother knew a few nights after we got engaged but yet to fully acknowledge our engagement even though her and I adore so close and In fact he still thinks it’s puppy love but now my fiancé and I are deciding to just get married at the court house soon but I want my fiancé to ask for his blessing instead even if my dad and I aren’t really close but it would still be nice to have him acknowledge my fiancé as more than a phase truthfully. Any advice would be wonderful.
So I am planning on proposing to my boyfriend. I have bought his engagement ring and plan on popping the question to him around Christmas. My question is, should I ask for his parents approval? Also, wondering about my engagement ring. I would like to purchase it as a joint effort and not leave the whole burden of the cost on him. So in some ways I feel very traditional and in other ways obviously, very non-traditional.
This anti mother, man made doctrine, created to exalt the daughter’s dad over the mother is wrong, it’s sexist, a double standard, and most of all, disrespectful and mean and hurtful to the daughter’s mother. On what planet us this right??
But what is so sad and disappointing in all of this, is that some females, women actually still think is okay and acceptable to do to any woman/mother!!
To males so read this, you all do not have the right to push this, old archaic doctrine that puts a girl’s dad over her most important and vital mother. I did not allow my fiancé to ask my dad. Asking my dad for permission or blessing, would be a reason for me to marry him. What is the purpose in asking a dad ? The daughter is the one who he only needs to ask!! . This is so wrong. No dad has that the right, neither does he deserve to be asked without the mother’s consent. How dare you all think it is okay to omit the daughter’s mother, the one who conceived, was pregnant, carried the daughter for nine months, then in agony and lain and humiliation, brought her into the world. 1:45 pm on 11-14-15
The dad cannot have control over everything!! How dare you all place such a high position, over one human male!!
Cindywuu why don’t you mind your business. Other people don’t need your approval for shit. If you don’t want it fine but don’t tell other people about their own personal choice. It does not affect you one Damn bit. Hey over yourself.