3 Excuses Guys Use to Not Get Married (And Our Solutions for Each)

 

excuses-to-not-get-marriedIt seems I’ve hit that magical age where all of my friends are either married, engaged or contemplating whether or not to pop the question. I wanted to know why they hesitate, or hesitated, before getting engaged. The same completely valid reasons were a constant among them all: financial security obligations, lack of maturity levels and religion.

But I quickly realized that even though I had a few excuses for not getting engaged, I had 100 reasons to get engaged. The reasons for my apprehension seemed easily surmountable. It was like getting to the final summit of Everest and stopping because my ingrown toenail was kind of bothering me.

Below are some common excuses to why us guys are afraid to walk down the aisle and how to overcome them:

1. FINANCES

Financially, getting engaged is scary. Before you can even think of fun ways to propose, the fact that you may not be able to afford an engagement ring looms over you like the storm cloud that follows Charlie Brown. The old industry standard suggests you spend two months’ salary on a ring. My bank account suggests I reconsider. Unfortunately after getting engaged, things don’t get any easier financially. Planning a wedding isn’t cheap, and neither is starting a family. Financially you have to have your “stuff” together. Right now, more people are experiencing financial hardship than ever. Some of us guys would just like to get through the tough economic times, and then we’ll think about engagement.

The Solution

The suggested amount of money to spend on an engagement ring is just a suggestion. Sure you should put money aside to pay for the ring, but what you can afford, you get. Your girlfriend will love whatever you get because ultimately you picked it out for her. Even if you can’t afford the $4 million pink diamond Kobe Bryant gave his wife, she’ll know that you gave her what you could afford. You can’t go wrong when you’re buying a girl a diamond because, at the end of the day, it’s a diamond.

While I realize that getting married and starting a family is financially draining, it shouldn’t be an excuse to hesitate on engagement. You’re always going to be faced with finances; that’s part of growing up. There are countless ways to cut costs of weddings. Don’t be afraid of the wedding. It’s something you and your fiancee will tackle when the time comes. Additionally, nobody said you have to start a family right away. There will be time to save up for that together.

2. RELIGION

Though it may not be a common issue for most, religion does affect relationships and engagements. When an issue involves your family and her family, it can get messy. The choice to convert to a religion can be met with great opposition from various outside sources. So sometimes we just choose to shelve the entire idea of proposing because we just don’t want to deal with this topic.

The Solution

My fiancee recently converted to Judaism. I lucked out because she was interested in the religion before she met me. This made the “whether or not to convert” discussion fairly easy. At some point, you either have to put your religious beliefs behind you or find a food compromise that works for you. It does get sticky, but take it from me, someone who has been through this, don’t let it deter you from a proposal. It’s delicate, but you will come out a stronger couple if you come to an agreement.

3. WHAT IF SHE CHANGES?

Whenever I thought about marriage, Patricia Heaton’s character (Ray Romano’s wife from the sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond) charged through my head like a bull through a china shop, then an antique vase shop and finally back through the china shop just in case there was one plate that survived the first trampling. Her incessant nagging, barrage of blaming and the never-ending yelling she would bestow upon Ray made me think that’s what marriage would potentially come to for me. The lovable girl I was head over heels for would soon turn against me once I say “I do.” In the world of sitcoms, there’s always that flashback episode where the couple is happier before marriage. Would that be me?

The Solution

Dropping out of the race due to the possibility of losing doesn’t make any sense. So why use the same logic in a relationship? Yes, she’ll change, but most likely you both will change together. At some point we all mature. Actually, it may not be maturation, but rather an understanding that the only thing that matters is being with someone you love.

–David Soldinger
Templeofgroom.com

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Comments (10)

 

  1. Andy Koehn says:

    “You can’t go wrong when you’re buying a girl a diamond because, at the end of the day, it’s a diamond.” Yes, yes, yes. I couldn’t agree more, David. The financial investment is REAL…no doubt about it…but it shouldn’t supercede the MEANING behind the engagement ring. I see it all too often. I swear…sometimes people forget what it’s all about…this symbol. A diamond remains the ultimate symbol of commitment between 2 people. And when guy steps up and chooses a ring and gives it with conviction…well…there’s nothing better.

    “What if she changes?” Yeah…count on it. But it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. This is a good post…

  2. ann says:

    Been with my bf for over 5 yrs, lived together for 2, and I’m quite familiar with the ever popular ‘finances’ excuse… He has this picture perfect vision of how things are supposed to happen: first marriage, then buying 1st home, then having financial security before planning for children, etc… So in his eyes, getting engaged means that he has to figure out all the rest; I just want to take the first step (engagement), we’ll figure the rest out when it comes and everything will work itself out as we go. Now, I am a woman and I’ve not been groomed to carry the burden of the “provider role”, so it’s easier for me to think this decision shouldn’t be so hard. I know men do take the proposal as if it’s a package deal for the rest of their lives; suddenly he’s stuck with the burden of knowing that someone else now depends on him and that in the near future they could have a whole family who depends on him too, that’s heavy stuff! In my opinion we can plan all we want but while we’re busy planning we’re missing out on living! So what can I do to help him to embrace the unknown and take things one step at a time?

  3. Davor says:

    Hey Ann, give him whatever time he needs so that when he does ask the question, you know it truly comes from his heart. Patience is a virtue. Hope this helps.

  4. chief says:

    Religion was definitely an issue for us. And both our families weren’t very happy with it, but we worked through it. I decided to be the one to convert, but I wasn’t very loyal to my original religion anyway. Some family members were mad, but it all worked out in the end for us.

  5. Sarah Tramadol says:

    Seriously, if a woman requires a diamond before she’ll agree to marry you, is this the woman for you? If I had to wait for my husband to buy any type of engagement ring, I wouldn’t be married. (His career is low in salary, but high in helping others… far more admirable than being Mr. Moneybags to me.)

    I picked up a copy of this magazine because it made me laugh… the hoops women make men jump through that are, in the end, endlessly shallow. So sad, many of them would overlook really great guys over something so superficial.

  6. James says:

    The reasons that I do not wish to get married are:

    1) The wedding industry making you start you new life together at least $50,000 in the hole (on average after the ring, wedding, honeymoon). Most marriage arguments are rooted in money. This is a fact.

    2) The divorce industry and child custody laws that award children to the mother. The mother does not have to prove anything. She can also get a restraining order so if you try to see your kids, you end up in jail.

    3) No fault divorce. Your lovely wife can engage in a threesome behind your back, then file for divorce (your signature is not required), and take at the very least half your assets. Yes, your 401K included and God forbid you own a business. Don’t forget child support, alimony, etc… Child support by the way, rarely goes toward supporting the child.

    It’s not so much marriage itself but what marriage has become that has made me avoid marriage. A financial agreement with the state? No thanks. Until the laws are changed, I don’t see a need to get married.

    By the way, a marriage licence is a nice way of saying an asset re-allocation agreement. Maybe we should rename syphilis and call it fragrant persimmon so that we can fool everybody.

  7. Diamondgirl says:

    Regarding religion, sorry, but I think it’s 100% wrong to insist or even ask your partner to convert. If religion is that big of an issue for you, then you should only ever date people of your own faith. It’s not fair to ask someone else to give up their traditions because you don’t believe in them. And if your families butt in, you both have to be equally firm in telling them to butt out.

  8. Denise says:

    OK for some this article would work but not for all. Part of this article comes off as being superficial.

    I’m trying to get him to see & know that I don’t care what other people think. If he used a twisty tie to propose then so be it. I could care less if he got me an expensive ring. I just want him!

  9. Elaine says:

    What it really comes down to is whether he sees you as the one or not. When he knows deep down that you are the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with, all “excuses” go out of the window.

  10. brooke says:

    im kind of in the same boat. i suppose thats why im writing to you. ive been with my guy for almost four years. And while ive been personally with him to nfoxx….. i know that he cant afford the monthly payments of 400, of a 12000 ring. but still… im wondering why its taking so long when ive made it clear that id be happy with anything, as long as it came from the heart. He’s a real “mans man” who is a state trooper and says that his girl deserves the best. but i just want some kind of committment…. ANY kind….

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