Q: My girlfriend is divorced and has 2 kids, I want to propose to her but I feel I should also involve the kids (10 and 14) somehow. Do I have to ask their permission? What is appropriate?

I think I’ve seen Dr. Phil talk 2 or 3 times at best…honestly don’t even know if he’s relevant anymore…but if memory serves he’s applauded for his candid answers to people. I say this because I’m about to get all Dr. Phil on you.

I think it’s sweet…and right…and appropriate that you want to involve her children at some point in this process, but asking their permission? My dear sir this is a “…’til death do us part,” proposition that is first and foremost between you and the woman you love…so NO…you do not, and should not ask, for her children’s approval.* (For the record I don’t think responsible adults should seek ANY ONE’S permission.  This is your life.)Actually I was in a similar situation not long ago and lucky for me I have an unofficial advisor we affectionately refer to as Mother O’Mally. She’s an 80-something Irish spitfire who raised 7 boys with an iron fist and a heart of gold, and I treasure her pointed remarks.I was 100% sure I wanted to ask my now-wife Jenn to marry me…to have and to hold…love…honor…all that…but of course there were nagging concerns about the emotional welfare of our kids. (We have 5 between us.)  I expressed as much to Mother O’Mally one night as she watched a Marquette basketball game, and asked me about the woman who “stole my heart.”

She gave me the following advice that I am all too happy to share with you: “Andrew…if your heart is in the right place you do what is right for YOU, and your children will follow.”

Amen.

What about the kids?

I understand you’re not doing this in a vacuum and it will affect their future…but I have every reason to believe you’re doing this for the good of all involved, so keep the proposal where it belongs: between you and the woman you love. As far as the children are concerned I would advise you to wait until after you propose…then take the lead role and have an honest discussion with them.

Keep these 4 things in mind as you do so:

1- Talk directly from your heart.  This is not the time to be all manly and quiet.

2- Tell them you love their mom more than anything and you’re proud she accepted your proposal.

3- Tell them how excited you are to take a step into the future as a new family.

4- Most of all, assure them that you and their mother want a home where they will feel safe…secure…and loved.
I think that’s about the most appropriate thing you can do for these children…their mother…and of course…yourself.  Good luck!

*Footnote: I do, however, think kids that age are well equipped to give their elders fashion advice.  Maybe even permission to wear a certain “look” outside the home.  It’s their thing and they’re good at it.  I’ve been saved more than once…

Andy

Andy Koehn is the owner of Koehn & Koehn Jewelers, author of the Buy Like a Guy blog, and as he puts it, “The only woman/mom without a vagina.”

A: How’s about I answer your question with some questions of my own?  (I think it’s called the Socratic Method.  Don’t take that to the bank but it makes me sound kinda smart, doesn’t it?)

So riddle me this:

●        Does this man love you?

●        Do you think the size of the diamond is equal to the size of his love for you?

●        If he DOUBLES the size of the diamond to a ½ carat…will that “love” be big enough for you?

●        How big does the diamond need to be for you to know he loves you “enough”?

●        Is your families opinion of him directly tied to the size of the diamond?  (If so…maybe you should find another family.)

●        While we’re at it…would you mind explaining how one measures the size of “love”?

Why don’t we just cut to the chase and admit that YOU want a bigger rock.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that…but be honest about the “why” of it.  That way…should you come to the conclusion that, “Yes.  I want an upgrade,” you’re discussion with your fiance’ will be honest and probably less awkward.  (On that note: Always be honest with him.  That’s a bit of marital advice that you CAN take to the bank.)

As far as your last question, “Is there a polite way to tell him you want an upgrade?” No. (Sorry.)

One final bit of insight.

I made a cheesy video some time back about “the ring” and what it really means in my opinion.  Maybe it will help you if/when you ask for a bigger diamond.

Good luck!  (And please let me know how it turns out.)

Andy

Andy Koehn is the owner of Koehn & Koehn Jewelers, author of the Buy Like a Guy blog, and as he puts it, “The only woman/mom without a vagina.”

Q: Tom and I  moved in together in my place two months ago. I love him but seriously what’s with leaving dirty dishes everywhere and the SOCKS? Can’t his friends call before showing up to the door? How can I get control back over the clicker and all the other things? He is getting comfortable that’s great but maybe a little too much. The furniture he brought is just horrid. Sarah.

A: Interesting questatement, Sarah. (I just invented that word.  It’s a combo question/statement which is what I see here.)  I’m going to respond by asking you to do something with me:  I’d like you to relax and picture you and I meeting in an out of the way brass rail pub. We’ll exchange pleasantries, order a couple of Guinness’, and hunker down at a corner table to talk about your new living arrangement. Is the picture clear? Good…let’s continue.

You’ll regale me with stories of dirty dishes and socks as I drain my first pint.  I’ll order another and calmly ask you for Tom’s cell phone number.  Do you want to know why? Because I’m going to call him and tell him to pack up his sh*t and get out!  That would pretty much solve your problem, dontcha’ think? No more socks…or dirty dishes…unannounced friends, and best of all no boyfriend hanging about all comfortable and whatnot.  You can have the place all to yourself.  Problem solved.  Check please!

I suppose that’s a little harsh but I’m trying to make a point about things like stray socks and ugly furniture.  Are these kinds of things so important that you want Tom to get out?My guess is the answer is a resounding, NO. And that my dear friends is called perspective, which is really, really important when it comes to relationships.

That’s great Andy, but it doesn’t address the annoyances that come along with horrid furniture now does it?

No, but it’s a start.  We live in a nanosecond society that has all but eliminated the need for patience. (Last I checked that was still a virtue.  I’ll Google it and find out if that’s still true.)  We are conditioned to get what we want, when we want it…which is usually NOW. That may fly in Vegas, but it’s completely out of step when it comes to life and love.  You can’t download a long lasting, “til death do us part,” relationship.  “Rome wasn’t built in a day,” and neither is the kind of couple most of us wish to become.

You know what I’m talking about, right?  It’s the old couple we seldom notice but somehow all understand.  They are connected because over time they learned how to deal with dirty dishes…socks…clicker issues (Viagra)…and things far worse.  It’s an unending transition that they face together…because they are a couple.  If that’s what you want…and I hope you do…then understand that dreams like this take time, understanding, a well bitten lip, no small amount of arguing, and most of all, perspective.

Be patient with each other as you move forward through this world and don’t meet strange red heads in bars to bitch about socks and your overly comfortable better half.  Talk to HIM about the things that bug you…but put the “clicker” down.  That’s a man thing.

Addendum:  I read something last night that is practical and useful that I’d like to pass on. “If you’re not specific about what you expect, you’ll always get something you don’t expect.” (Or something like that.  Be clear with that man, and ask him to do the same.)

Andy

Andy Koehn is the owner of Koehn & Koehn Jewelers, author of the Buy Like a Guy blog, and as he puts it, “The only woman/mom without a vagina.”

Photo By Ambro

Q: How do I get my boyfriend to propose? We have been dating 2 years and it is about time.

A:  First I want to congratulate you on asking the mother of all questions when it comes to this subject.  This is a 6 or 7 Guinness question…meaning I have to drink 6 or 7 beers to try to find a suitable answer.  (Who am I kidding?  When I drink 7 Guinness’ I typically fall asleep after several feeble attempts to “connect” with my wife.)

Regardless…I think I’ve actually come up with a  four part answer to this unanswerable question.

1. Stop talking about getting engaged. The tone of your question leads me to believe that you have dropped several not-so-subtle hints about the whole engagement thing. Maybe you mentioned your best friend’s engagement ring?  If that’s true stop it.  The more you talk about it the less he hears you.  Trust me…the first time you brought it up it went in his brain and stayed there.

2. Tell ‘em to zip it. When your friends/relatives so much as hint at the subject of marriage to him tell ’em to zip it.  You may think your bestie is helping you by giving him sh*t about getting the milk for free, but it’s the exact opposite.  He’ll feel like you’re ganging up on him…which means pressure…and no one likes to make a decision from a pressure point.  BONUS: When he feels like you’re in his corner he’s going to think you walk on water.  He may even wonder why you’ve had a sudden change of heart.  Neither of these is a bad thing.

3. Let them talk. It’s been 2 years and people are beginning to talk, right?  So what…let them talk.  I know it’s hard not to care about what other people think but you’ll be altogether better off if you can master this gift.  When you get right down to it it’s really none of their business.  Even if they want the best for you, they don’t have to go home to him every night…or fold his underwear…or try to stretch the bank account with him…or listen to him snore and fart while he sleeps.  Love can be a messy business that requires your full on focus, but it’s worth it when you pull it off.  So let them talk while you focus on your relationship…not what they would do if they were you.

4. Own it. The bottom line is that everyone’s situation is their own…and you need to own YOURS.  (I doubt you expected THIS kind of advice, huh?)  Seriously…own your relationship with him the way it is now and be thankful for it.  Notice the good things…ignore the bad…and your situation will change for the better.  Trust me on this one. (And let me know I’m right down the road.  I live for that kind of thing.)

So there you have it dear reader.  A four part answer to one that has plagued woman-kind for centuries.  (Actually I have no idea if that’s true or not…but it sound more epic when I present it that way.)

Andy

Andy Koehn is the owner of Koehn & Koehn Jewelers, author of the Buy Like a Guy blog, and as he puts it, “The only woman/mom without a vagina.”

We all have one great love story. Some are filled with serendipitous meetings, while others weave through a winding path before two strangers are finally united. From casual dating to walking down the aisle, whatever stage your relationship is in, make sure you know how to make the best of it.

Read Chapters 1 and 2, From casual dating to engaged

Chapter 3: From engagement to newlyweds

The cake has been cut, the first dance was beautiful and you’ve returned with freckled noses and suntan lines from your honeymoon. Your new hubby carries you over the threshold of your new home—and reality sinks in. You’re married.

For many couples, being newly married brings a whole new set of emotions and perceptions about your relationship. The wedding to-do lists have been replaced with utility bills; the financial stress of the big day is now focused on updating your cozy home for two (and maybe three or four one day); and your partner changes from your fiancé to your husband. The period of being a newlywed is passionate and exciting, as well as scary and real. Everything from the way the relationship functions to how the couple responds to disagreements changes as the marriage continues to grow.

Chapter 4: Adjusting to daily life

Often times, the first bump in the road for a couple is getting over the “post wedding” blues. The stress of not planning a wedding anymore is relieving, but also can cause sadness and a sense of boredom. To overcome the end of the wedding glitz, try two tactics:

1. Plan a trip together. Yes, the wedding and honeymoon cleaned out your savings accounts and vacation days, but having a project to do together will keep your joint-decision making juices flowing, and will give you a new countdown to mark on your calendar. Even if it’s just a“staycation” down the road, being away from the bills and daily stresses will refresh your love and marriage.

2.Look for free events or take classes. Part of the excitement of getting married is about being the center of attention and feeling gorgeous on a very special day of your life. While you can’t get your grandiose entrance as Mr. & Mrs. twice, you can attend galas, networking events and balls that will give you and your hubby the opportunity to get dressed up and paint the town red together. Taking classes also will help you to spend more time together outside of the nest, so look for cooking or dancing courses nearby to strengthen your bond.

Chapter 5: Avoid the bridal blues

While none of the brides I spoke with have suffered from post bridal depression, many glowing brides seem to lack the luster after the first “real” weeks of marriage. If you notice changes in your sleep, appetite or activity level, you should seek the help of a professional.

Chapter 6: Change in relationship operations

After the first few months of sharing your home, life, finances and future together, couples start to notice changes in the way their relationship operates and how they communicate. To keep your relationship healthy amid battles and changes in your roles and dynamics, change your priorities and the way you view your relationship. To make time and effort for your new marriage, do the following:

1. Be honest and open. Check in regularly about what each of you wants and needs to keep your connection strong, then assess whether your actions and choices support creating what you desire.

2. Don’t forget the little things. It’s easy to forget the smaller details when you’re occupied with looking at the big picture and making preparations for the future and learning to budget your finances together.However, even little gestures can go a long way to keep the romance alive in your relationship. Try simple actions like bringing home his favorite cake from the grocery store, or suggesting a movie you know he’d like to see.

3. Get curious. Sure, after being together for so long, it’s easy to believe you know just about everything about your partner. But think again; remaining curious helps stimulate your attraction and connection to your partner, regardless of how long you’ve been together. Keep asking questions, and actively listen to your partner’s needs and desires.

Having to address issues as they arise only strengthens the relationship and helps the couple to work together more cohesively in their communication styles and skills.Through all of the transitioning, it’s important for the couple to choose their words and actions for the other person. A marriage is all about making decisions together and deciding that your commitment to one another is the most important dynamic in your lives.

It may seem like once you’ve found the person you want to share your life with all the worrying and trouble is over; in reality, it’s just the start of learning to compromise and start making joint decisions with your partner in tow. The engagement and newlywed period are full of exhilaration, joy and bonding, so make sure to indulge in these happy periods,while also keeping your relationship, your communication skills and your love intact.

As you begin to write in the once-unwritten pages of your divine partnership, remember to take note of all the happy transformations you went through as a person and as a couple. It is, after all, up to you and your partner to write your happily ever after. Getting engaged or married isn’t about putting a period at the end of the final sentence or finding the perfect rhyme to capture your romance. It’s actually the start of your beginning, the beginning of your journey with the person who was designed to walk through this life with you.

-Lindsay Tigar

We all have one great love story. Some are filled with serendipitous meetings, while others weave through a winding path before two strangers are finally united. From casual dating to walking down the aisle, whatever stage your relationship is in, make sure you know how to make the best of it.

Read Chapters 3-6: From engagement to newlyweds

Chapter 1: From casual to serious

We have all thought we met The One—that person we’re supposed to meet, fall in love with and just know he was different from all the rest. But let’s face it, ladies: There are some pretty charismatic frogs on the market who do a clever job of disguising themselves as princes.

However,we never give up hope of finding this seemingly unattainable man, and, in doing so, we have to start teaching ourselves to allow a relationship to transition from casual to serious only when we can imagine a positive future with someone. Before committing to a relationship, make sure your heart, your brain and your gut all agree on the following statements:

• We share the same beliefs and general values.
• We are both in secure, financial standing, and we both have steady, dependable paychecks.
• We have a healthy amount of “couple” and “me” time.
• We have a steady romantic life, where neither of us feels ignored or not cherished.
• We communicate easily and openly about our feelings, regardless if they are good or bad.
• We want basically the same goals out of life, and agree on topics like children and location.

If you feel secure and comfortable that the man you’re dating could possibly be someone you want to share your life with, go forward with the relationship, and allow the commitment to heighten. Within time, you may find yourself moving past shallow waters and into the deep tide.

Chapter 2: From dating to engagement

Once you’ve had that feeling in the pit of your stomach for months, and his mischievous smile has given it away for the last week, you know the question is on the tip of his tongue. And every moment has the possibility to be the moment: He’s going to propose soon. When you meet that man you’ll spend the rest of your life with, you can’t wait for the rest of your life to begin. However, most Prince Charmings want to make certain they are with their Cinderella before falling to one knee and asking for her hand and partnership.

So how does a man get that same pit in his stomach? It’s when he can see past today and into the future of how he wants his life and his wife to be. Men often wait for the perfect scenario to ask his partner to be his wife, while she becomes a lady-in-waiting, wondering when that lusted-after instant will arrive. So while men are waiting for the “right time,” women are wondering why he hasn’t proposed yet.

When that magical moment does happen and the couple reveals to the world they are engaged, the relationship initially begins with an incomparable exhilaration. But once the announcement is made and family and friends start asking for details, the stress of an engagement begins. For most couples, this is the time when they first start making joint decisions: “Who will we invite?” “What’s our budget?” “Where do we want to have the wedding?” “What time of year is best?” “How long should our engagement be?” Instead of just referring to their own finances, preferences and visions of their big day, now both parties have to be open to discussions and changes. Sometimes learning to compromise and develop a financial strategy for funding the dream wedding can cause conflicts.

Another stress of the engagement period is learning to balance everyday responsibilities, like your career and your friendships, with planning the wedding. For some couples, adding discussions about when they can schedule a cake tasting, figure out how to squeeze in dancing lessons on Saturdays and start packing up their separate apartments to combine into one can cause a significant amount of stress on the relationship. To ensure your relationship doesn’t bend with the added weight, follow these tips:

1. Schedule weekly time to discuss the wedding. Pick a specific amount of time each week to devote to decisions and concerns over the wedding. Trevor suggested to Lillian that they pick a specific amount of time each week to make decisions concerning the wedding. During this allotted time, couples should not talk about anything but the wedding, and for the rest of the week limit talk of the wedding only to items that have immediate deadlines.

2. Talk about marriage expectations. Your husband will be different from all of your married friends’ husbands and always will wash the dishes, bring fresh tulips home from work every Wednesday, and, once you’re married, any of his petty characteristics you didn’t care for won’t bother you anymore. Right? We all have unrealistic expectations about what we hope our marriage will look like, but it’s important to set tangible goals with your spouse-to-be.

3. Be a team. His mother, your mother, your sister, his great aunt and your long line of cousins may have all sorts of ideas about what they envision your wedding will be like, but it’s important to remember it’s your big day, and the decisions belong to your powerful duo. While you’re still individuals, you will now make decisions as a unit, and it’s your first opportunity to celebrate (and enforce) your union. While engagement may bring arguments, big decisions, a stronger sense of commitment and the stress of planning a wedding, all of the tough times will not seem as important as the second you catch the eye of that one man you waited so long to find, watching you as you descend down the aisle to promise your devotion to him and the life you will build together. But remember, the second you speak the words “I do,” you flip the page to start the new chapter of your relationship: being a newlywed.

Next: Read Chapters 3-6: From engagement to newlyweds

-Lindsay Tigar

Former American Idol judge Simon Cowell is taking a surprising break from his fiancee, makeup artist Mezhgan Hussainy. The news was confirmed by Simon’s mother who told The Mail on Sunday newspaper the engagement was “too quick” and that Simon is starting to regret his decision.

In our “How long should you wait to get engaged” post, many of you recommended a minimum length of one year before getting engaged. But, we wonder, is there ever an exception to the rule? Is it possible to have a successful, long lasting relationship after getting engaged after only, say, six months or less? Or is a speedy engagement the sure way ticket to splitsville? Tell us what you think!

People who commit too soon often act out by parting too much, cheating, drinking and sabotaging the relationship by not treating the other person well. We recently discussed this topic on our blog about the downside of long-term engagements. In the blog post, a woman explains how her relationship got worse after getting engaged because of her fiance’s behavior. Because he wasn’t ready to settle down, his behavior was negatively affecting the relationship.

In some situations, men and women may lose their sense of self if they take such a big step before they are mentally and emotionally prepared to do so. For example, it might be the right guy, but the wrong timing. Maybe you have a list of personal goals you want to achieve before walking down the aisle. The same goes for guys, too.

However, some women are afraid of the outcome of saying “no,” so they accept the proposal to spare their partner’s feelings. If you do accept a proposal and later regret it, it can lead to a broken engagement or more trouble down the line.

First of all, I give a lot of credit to any guy who asks a woman to marry him without being absolutely sure she’ll say yes. However, while I’ve always thought a proposal occurred after a couple had previously decided they wanted to be together forever, this is not always the case. If it does come as a surprise and you’re unsure how to respond when he pops the question, here are some tips on how to handle the situation:

The first thing you should ask yourself is what you’re doing in the relationship. If you realize it’s never going to happen, be up front about it. Don’t confuse the feeling of excitement in that moment with a feeling of insecurity.

Don’t give too many explanations. Be direct and say, “I’m sorry, I appreciate this, but I don’t feel the same way.” Tell him while he may be hurting, he doesn’t want you as much as he thinks he does because you aren’t the right one for him. Make a clean break.

Be honest. If you are thrown off by the timing of the proposal, tell him the question was unexpected and you need to get more comfortable with the idea. Tell him you really care about him, but you want to take marriage seriously and don’t want to jump into anything just yet.

If he loves you, he will wait. There is certainly no romantic way to turn down a man who just asked to spend the rest of his life with you, but just as Katherine Heigl’s character needed a little more time to decide in Knocked Up, you, too, may not be ready right away. Before you reject him completely, decided whether or not this is someone you can see yourself marrying in the future. If it’s a person you do want to continue a relationship with, then tell him that.

Tell him how much better things will be when your relationship has had more time to grow. Reassure him that you have the rest of your lives to be together if you so choose, and if he wants to be with you forever, waiting a few months will feel like a blip on the screen.

If you realize he’s not the one, it’s important to express that for both of your sakes. Tell him how much the relationship meant to you and how difficult its it to break his heart, and explain you care too much to give him false hope for the future.

The bottom line is you should never accept a marriage proposal until you’re both ready, and you should definitely never settle when it comes to settling down. --Jen Press

What do you think? How long should you wait before getting engaged?